The Negotiator and the Stewardess

This article was first blogged on June 3rd 2005 in my other blog, Stepping Aside For Reality and then reproduced here.


MAS stewardesses are over the moon. They managed to win two key points from the airline in the latest round of union negotiations
- increase in gratuity payment for those who retire
- can now have three children and still fly

And what did the airline get in return? A big fucking zero. The airline negotiating team totally failed to get the stewardesses to agree on the most important key issue affecting passenger; that is to SHOW MORE CLEAVAGE.

Before you start thinking that I’m not being serious, let me just say that cleavage is more important than what anybody realizes. It gives the passengers something to take their minds off the airline food. When I read the news yesterday, my first thought was “Oh fuck! The negotiators lost again! Bunch of dumbasses!”

Now, just how difficult can it be to negotiate with some good looking chicks? If it were up to me, I would send in somebody tough to do the negotiating. A no-nonsense, take-no-prisoners kind of negotiator. Somebody like Dick Tomatoski, also known as the “Fat Dick” in some circles.

The trick to successful negotiating is to shout “DONE!” after winning a point, and then quickly moving on to the next point.

Yeah, Fat Dick would have done it differently.

Fat Dick : Morning. I’m here to negotiate on behalf of the airline.

Stewardess : Siddown, mistah. Me and mah sistahs got a long list of demands.

Fat Dick : Perhaps you would like me to explain some of the legal terms to you so that you can better understand how negotiations are done. That way, we can wrap this thing up quickly in order to better serve the airline.

Stewardess : Look here Mistah….

Fat Dick : Call me Dick

Stewardess : Look, Dick……firstly, I ain’t your ho, so stop talking to me like I'm demented. Secondly, I ain’t your ho, so stop talking like I have to serve anybody in any way.

Fat Dick : Dat rite, biatch?

Stewardess : Dat’s rite.

Fat Dick : Let me present our new policy. From now on, we want you girls to show a little more cleavage. There have been too many complaints about airline food of late, and we really need to distract the passengers. Done?

Stewardess : No can do. You ain’t pimpin’ us out. The airline food’s your fucking problem. If we can eat that shit everyday, we see no reason why airline passengers can’t eat the same shit for JUST one day.

Fat Dick : You got a point.

Stewardess : Of course we do! And another thing…..we hate to do the demo thing about the life vests and show folks where the emergency exits are. People keep staring at out tits when we demo the life vests alla time.

Fat Dick : They do?

Stewardess : Look at me when I’m talking to you!

Fat Dick : I am looking at you!

Stewardess : My face is up here!

Fat Dick : Oh….sorry. You have a nice pair of bre…eyes!

Stewardess : Thank you! Now stay focused. What the girls want is for the airline to do away with life vests. We figured that the life vests will do shit if the plane ever goes down. If we’re gonna die, then we’re gonna die.

Fat Dick : Now look, the life vests serve a very important function. If the plane goes down in the water, you and the passengers are gonna need them.

Stewardess : Fuck the passengers! We girls can swim.

Fat Dick : The life vests cover your chest and prevents the sharks from nibbling at your tits.

Stewardess : Okay, the life vests stay.

Fat Dick : DONE!

Stewardess : But my sistahs hate having to show all the emergency exits every time we board the plane. The “EXIT” letters are lighted so brightly that everybody knows where they are without having to be told. Don’t tell us you have been taking passengers who can’t fucking read.

Fat Dick : We have been taking passengers who can’t fucking read.

Stewardess : Shit! Well, stop that! From now on, nobody boards a plane without taking a literacy test! Even George Bush.

Fat Dick : Can’t do that. We won’t take the chance of George Bush failing your literacy test. Tell you wut, you drop this point and we’ll increase the gratuity payments for those stewardesses who retire.

Stewardess : DONE!

Fat Dick : And you would also have to show more cleavage.

Stewardess : Too late! I shouted “DONE!” already!

Fat Dick : Damn!

Stewardess : Let’s move on. Da sistahs would like to have 4 kids and still keep their flying jobs. We have a family to support and we want the income.

Fat Dick : No can do. The airline is firm on this one. Two kids is the maximum.

Stewardess : If you agree to this point, da sistahs would be willing to show a little more cleavage.

Fat Dick : They would?

Stewardess : After their fourth kid.

Fat Dick : After their fourth kid, they may get so out of shape that nobody would want to see their cleavage!

Stewardess : It’s either we keep our flying jobs with three kids or we show our cleavage after the fourth kid. Take your pick.

Fat Dick : I’ll take the “keep your flying jobs with three kids” option.

Stewardess : DONE! That wuz easy.

Fat Dick : That’s it! No more negotiations for this year! I could use a drink.

Stewardess : I must say that I fucking like way you negotiate.

Fat Dick : Thank you. I must say that I also like your nehneh….nehgotiation skills.

Stewardess : You’ve me staring at my….uh….nehgotiation skills all day. I can assure you that they’re real.

Fat Dick : Really?

Stewardess : You look like a cute guy. I would normally invite a hunk like you to my apartment to listen to some music. But the company has strict rules about employees fraternizing together.

Fat Dick : That stupid rule does not apply to male employees with large er….hands.

Stewardess : You sure about that?

Fat Dick : Screw the airline! Let’s go!